That jarring reality came early in life. The world, the cultures, everything is designed so that you aren’t supposed to think about it, but if you manage to fit into one of those cracks – the widening cracks – you realize the finality of mortality. Poets, authors… have written so much about it. Religions offer sanctuary from it. Maybe you’ll come back, maybe you’ll go to a better place.
But isn’t there always a better place? Someone always trying to sell you real estate of some form or another? Cash is easy, tears are real.
I’m intelligent. I’m not supposed to be confused. I’m the one people come to when they are confused. I have no faith that reaches further than the tips of my fingers, my toes, and where my mind can go.
I’m confused. The anger has come and went, as it’s supposed to. But it’s not so much ‘went’. There’s a surprising amount of anger there below acceptance.
One woman loved me more than I was comfortable with, and she’s gone. Another woman fought with me because… she loved me more than I was comfortable with. And she, too, is gone.
There is a rhythm there. A pulse, a silent rage that thwacks at reality now and then despite my best efforts. It’s cynical. It’s sarcastic. It seems to feel no pain, and yet it cannot exist without it.
I know we all die.
I plan for it – the unmentionables that people do not discuss. I planned for it years ago, and I may end up planning it years into the future.
But I did not plan for them to die. I should have, I suppose, since I know we all die.
Yet I failed to plan for them to die. One even told me, told me how, and I nodded my head quietly, thinking she was venting. Hoping she was venting.
She wasn’t venting. I failed. It haunts me.
Another died of the flu. How? Had I been there would something else have happened?
There is no solace here. But there is a silent rage at the world, at myself, and those who take it for granted.