The time away was a wonderful thing; I hadn’t realized how much I needed a vacation.
There was time for some necessary culling of what I have been doing over the years by not doing any of it. I wrote for days in a notebook, a means I have for clearing my mind. I started doing that as a teenager, a way to get everything out – every sting, every joy, every itching wound. That writing is never to be published – simply an exercise in free writing that cleanses and, which at the end, is destroyed.
An open letter to the Universe as some might see it, an open letter to the Self as others might see it. The physical act of making everything inside external, the mechanical process, is something that works for me because then you can look at it from the outside looking in. The shift in perspective is then more easily done, going through one’s own life as the reader rather than the author.
You find petty things, you find important things glossed over, you find a character whose world-view is affected by things no longer present, whose actions are affected by that world-view in both good and bad ways.
And then I burn them – a symbolic thing I have always done, watching the black ink contrast less and less on the pages that go from white to ash.
Then you’re left with a start, and in that start, in a space where you can be yourself, you find what’s really there now. What I found was not what I had thought was there – faux rationality is easily scattered from the urn and you can see yourself for what you are, the world for what it is…
And then the vacation starts where you can do the things you want to do.
One morning I idyllically tossing a tethered waterproof camera into an area of deep current, just because I had one and some 550 cord.
Another morning I traipsed around on the abandoned paths of Blue Waters Inn – full of life, absent people who wanted to spend money to go see things and were out and about. I saw new things.
I sat with a hummingbird for hours, watching it feed and chase others from it’s source.
Most of all, I figured out what the next me was going to do with his life, if only for a while.