Prequel: The Self-Defeating Heart

~ taran.a.rampersad@gmail.com

People had been telling me to slow down but were not putting in effort themselves, as if things would somehow get done themselves – and I, being who I am, hate waiting on other people on things I can do myself. What some might call stress, I call a period of contraction before relaxation, the systole before the diastole.

In other words, this is how I have viewed the world. Some things simply need to get done, and if they’re not getting done, someone has to do them and all too often I am the one who does them because while I feel others may be letting themselves off the hook, I cannot. It bothers me when things aren’t getting done. It stresses me when things aren’t getting done.

This comes from childhood, with maybe even some genetics. I was never permitted to put things off, and the punishments could be severe and usually were. I learned to expect more from myself, to not depend on others, and this worked out well for me for a very long time. In fact, it seemed my best came out when the worst was happening around me because I became versed in many things and always seemed to know what to do while people were spinning in circles.

The Start

A few weeks ago, something changed. It seemed like I couldn’t get to sleep without chewing some antacids, and eventually, even with the antacids, I could not sleep. One night, I began hyperventilating, feeling as though I wasn’t getting enough air, and a dull alarm went off in the back of my mind that I ignored. It seemed like a panic attack which was odd because I never had panic attacks. I was calm in mayhem. I am calm in mayhem. I’m usually at my best when people think things are at their worst.

A few days later, I couldn’t sleep so decided to go do something that was bothering me – a parking audit in the complex. I’m a Director, and this year, the Chairman and Director of Security and, as with most things in life, when things go wrong people call me. Over the past years, things had gotten to the point of physical threats, and the audit was a path to reducing the systemic problems caused by people being… people. Unable to sleep, I went to my vehicle, and on the way there I could see vehicles parked where they shouldn’t be and, in retrospect, each one added some little weight to my shoulders. My vehicle was only about 800 steps away from the front door of the tower.

Those 800 steps took a toll but, again in retrospect, there was denial. It needed to get done, I was already awake, and there’s no sense having consciousness and not using it. By the time I got to the vehicle, I was hyperventilating again. I tried controlling my breathing, checking my watch. It was around 3 a.m.

‘Fortunately’, I thought, ‘I’m far away from where most people are around at this hour and I can get this under control before someone sees me.’ The whole thing seemed an embarrassment, an inconvenience.

I negotiated with myself while controlling my breathing. Maybe I couldn’t do 2 car parks tonight as I had planned. Maybe just one. Then I decided maybe 2 floors instead of 3 in the one car park. Then maybe just one. About 3 hours later when I finally gave up negotiating, I was pretty upset I was still hyperventilating.

This was inconvenient. It wasn’t painful as much as uncomfortable. I probably should get some oxygen. Ambulances have oxygen, but I couldn’t get one myself because I was too busy hyperventilating, and no one would be able to understand me.

I really wished I would have just passed out and my breathing reset, but for some annoying reason that wasn’t happening. My watch showed a pulse rate of 130+, which I had been sustaining for 3 hours, and I took that as a sign that my heart was handling things just fine. I was just having problems getting enough air, it felt like, and the last time that happened was in 2016 when my kidneys had failed -but there was a pain in my lower back then and I lacked that now.

OK, I need help.

I mentally sighed. It was time to ask for help and I didn’t really know what was going on so the best I could do was generalities. People don’t do well with generalities, so they create systems, and systems are inherently flawed.

I got on the WhatsApp chat for all 3 towers, messaging for help and my location on the compound. I turned the headlights on so I’d be obvious at that early hour. Members of the community found me, stayed with me and got an ambulance called. I continued focusing on my breathing. They woke up a doctor in the community who listened to my lungs, which seemed clear, and while they milled about trying to do what they could to help a short distance away, I made sure that security was called about the ambulance to direct it.

Ambulances never get there quickly enough, it seems. When you think of the logistics involved, it’s understandable, but when you just want someone with an oxygen bottle to show up, it’s always too long.

It would end up that the ambulance was too tall to enter the car park and the elevators were not large enough to put a gurney in. Inwardly, I laughed. I told the small crowd to tell them to deflate the tires to come up, but they did not seem to think this was a good idea.

A friend and the security supervisor drove me down to the first floor, with me giving directions to my friend who parks in another car park. It wasn’t really hard to get to the exit, but he was nervous. It’s a left at every wall on the way out, but I suppose driving someone else’s car while the person is gasping and giving directions in the back could cause someone some anxiety. At no point did I consider driving myself.

Then I directed him on where to park so the vehicle wouldn’t be in the way. Then I got to the ambulance.

The Ambulance

The EMTs got some vitals. My history was difficult because of my breathing and, though I didn’t know it at the time, my state of mind. The trouble was I was knowledgeable, but that knowledge wasn’t leading me down the right paths because I was low on oxygenation. I didn’t seem to want to know that at the time.

I’m a little stubborn at times. This was one of the wrong times.

My blood pressure was high, but I had been hyperventilating for 3 hours at least. I expected that. They gave me some oxygen while monitoring my pulse oximetry, and it was still low on oxygenation – high 80s when I should be high 90s. In the moment it did not occur to me that my mind was not working right because of the lack of oxygen. I was trying to solve a problem. My body wasn’t working right and I had laid out a troubleshooting pathway that was based on information from 3 decades ago when I was a Navy Corpsman. Young me would have told old me that I wasn’t in a position to make decisions.

Bad news: Young me wasn’t around.

Uncharacteristically, I felt claustrophobic in the ambulance and my hyperventilation had stopped. Whatever had been happening had stopped, or so I thought. I signed off and went about my day normally, which was one of many mistakes I made in all of this.

It was a bit embarrassing and inconvenient at the time, but it seemed the issue had passed.

Spoiler: It hadn’t.

The Next Night

Again, I couldn’t sleep but for short periods. I tried different positions. Sitting up didn’t work either. It was a long night and I just really wished I could get some sleep because I hadn’t been getting much over the last week.

It took a long time for the sun to come back up, but it did, and I decided to head to Valley Medical to see what was going on. I started those 800 steps to the car, but I got to about 100 when a friend saw me and offered to drive. I took in a deep breath – he drove.

And that started a chain of events that will be in the next entry.

2 thoughts on “Prequel: The Self-Defeating Heart”

  1. Pingback: Silent Work - RealityFragments.com
  2. Pingback: In the Absence of Posts, the Presence of Change - KnowProSE.com

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *