This post inspired by a whimsical Facebook update I did.

It crumbled as I bit it, as dry as a cow patty left in the sun too long, though I’d wager it might taste better based on scent.

There are no shortcuts to good cookies.

These were allegedly new cookies from a local store that has such a high turnover that they are frequently out of stock. They had some today, and I thought, “why not?”

Famous words of everyone who has learned something of worth, be it something bad or good.

Chips Ahoy cookies nowadays suck.

This is likely because the elves started chasing the bottom line for their shareholders, as well as being mortgaged property they couldn’t afford by selling cookies, and around 2008 this caught up with them so the cookies paid, the shareholders weren’t as displeased, and the chief consumer of their product didn’t give a shit what they put in their mouths as long as it tasted tangentially like chocolate and flour.

The girl scouts too, had their role in this, pedaling their wares with cute smiles and neat green outfits. They appropriated those things from elvish cookie culture, but no one wants to sue the girl scouts. What’s more, in the advertising the misogynistic system of cookie making in Elvish culture is apparent, so no one so much as blinked when this happened. In fact, it created a revolution of female elves, taking over the cookie making but unable to provide quality because they haven’t quite broken into management yet.

Maybe soon.

Well, that’s fiction, but their cookies suck things that are not sucked in polite company. It may even be questionable in impolite company.

What you can do, if you find these at home or have made the mistake of purchasing them and need some sort of solution, is make the best of them by adding peanut butter to the flat ends and making crumbly sandwiches.

Be warned, there is not enough peanut butter available to single consumers to avoid these being crumbly disasters, so it might be wise to eat over the kitchen sink.

In future, buy the cookie dough if you don’t trust yourself with a recipe.